Hola y’all! Like most of you out there I have been glued to the TV mesmerized by the saga going on in Cleveland. No, not the fact that Indians, Cavaliers and Browns will all continue to suck for the next decade, but the Ohio Kidnapping Case! *insert dramatic music here*
I just can’t stop watching the coverage of the story because it is the craziest kidnapping story I can ever remember. I would also like to take this time to invite Mr. Charles Ramsey onto IWS Radio sometime. He seems like a fun guy. While watching all of this, a few thoughts suddenly struck me. Like …
Is Ohio really necessary? Do we really need that state anymore? Could Ohio have outlived its usefulness for America?
Granted a few Ohioans have made very good contributions to America. People like Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Jesse Owens and Phyllis Diller come to mind immediately. Unfortunately, Ohio also produced Charles Manson and Charles Keating, so it all balances out, right? It really seems as though, unlike the rest of America, Ohio’s best days are behind it. Hell, After Ohio produced presidents, statesmen and captains of industry back in the day, things got pretty slow. Right now the only person of note Ohio has produced is THIS GUY …
IKNOWRITE? Dark days for the Buckeye State, my friends. Speaking of Buckeyes … OMG! We could totally live without THE Ohio State University and their obnoxious, delusional fans. You can’t tell me that America doesn’t become instantly better by getting rid of tOSU.
Did you know that Ohio actually went to war with Michigan once over TOLEDO? Seriously! They went to war to KEEP Toledo. That’s how whack Ohio is. I just don’t think American needs that kind of silliness anymore.
My proposal is that we give Ohio to Canada. Think about it! We just gift Canada the entire state of Ohio as a gesture of goodwill and to further solidify the two country’s friendship. Canada gets both Cincinnati AND Cleveland. Both of those
ghettos cities are way better than anything they have. Even though you have to give current (legal) Ohio residents the option of staying in America by moving to say, Morgantown, WV, Canada will still easily double its population, right? I mean, I haven’t run the numbers, but that seems right. AAAAAAND, Canada probably increases its number of black people by about 2,000% along with picking up a few Amish folks to boot! Diversity is a big deal to them.
Canada also adds TWO NFL teams, TWO MLB teams and an NBA team. You know they’ve been looking for a way to do that forever. They also get some farmland that isn’t frozen solid ten months out of the year. Most importantly Canada gets possession of the house that was used in “A Christmas Story” AND the Leg Lamp!
No way Canada turns all this down.
American on the other hand gets to rid ourselves of Ohio and the problems that state keeps bringing us. No more will we have to spend four solid years listening to MSNBC’s Chuck Todd droning on and on and on about how Ohio is the “most important state in the electoral college” while ignoring the fact that Colorado, Nevada and Virginia are actually ahead of Ohio on the “tipping point states” list. That combined with eliminating John Kasich and John Boehner as political figures and getting rid of tOSU fans makes this the best deal we could ever make. Maybe even better than the Louisiana Purchase.
I know there will be people out there who think Canada should probably pay us for Ohio. Or maybe Canada should swap Vancouver or possibly Windsor for Ohio. I say absolutely not. Besides, people who want compensation for Ohio forget that Canada has already given us something we can’t put a price tag on …. Celine Dion!
Giving them Ohio as payment for Celine Dion is the least we can do.
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