Do We Really Need Ohio?

Hola y’all! Like most of you out there I have been glued to the TV mesmerized by the saga going on in Cleveland. No, not the fact that Indians, Cavaliers and Browns will all continue to suck for the next decade, but the Ohio Kidnapping Case! *insert dramatic music here*

I just can’t stop watching the coverage of the story because it is the craziest kidnapping story I can ever remember. I would also like to take this time to invite Mr. Charles Ramsey onto IWS Radio sometime. He seems like a fun guy. While watching all of this, a few thoughts suddenly struck me. Like …

Is Ohio really necessary? Do we really need that state anymore? Could Ohio have outlived its usefulness for America?

Granted a few Ohioans have made very good contributions to America. People like Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Jesse Owens and Phyllis Diller come to mind immediately. Unfortunately, Ohio also produced Charles Manson and Charles Keating, so it all balances out, right? It really seems as though, unlike the rest of America, Ohio’s best days are behind it. Hell, After Ohio produced presidents, statesmen and captains of industry back in the day, things got pretty slow. Right now the only person of note Ohio has produced is THIS GUY …

 IKNOWRITE? Dark days for the Buckeye State, my friends. Speaking of Buckeyes … OMG! We could totally live without THE Ohio State University and their obnoxious, delusional fans. You can’t tell me that America doesn’t become instantly better by getting rid of tOSU.

Did you know that Ohio actually went to war with Michigan once over TOLEDO? Seriously! They went to war to KEEP Toledo. That’s how whack Ohio is. I just don’t think American needs that kind of silliness anymore.

My proposal is that we give Ohio to Canada. Think about it! We just gift Canada the entire state of Ohio as a gesture of goodwill and to further solidify the two country’s friendship. Canada gets both Cincinnati AND Cleveland. Both of those ghettos cities are way better than anything they have. Even though you have to give current (legal) Ohio residents the option of staying in America by moving to say, Morgantown, WV, Canada will still easily double its population, right? I mean, I haven’t run the numbers, but that seems right. AAAAAAND, Canada probably increases its number of black people by about 2,000% along with picking up a few Amish folks to boot! Diversity is a big deal to them.

Canada also adds TWO NFL teams, TWO MLB teams and an NBA team. You know they’ve been looking for a way to do that forever. They also get some farmland that isn’t frozen solid ten months out of the year. Most importantly Canada gets possession of the house that was used in “A Christmas Story” AND the Leg Lamp!

No way Canada turns all this down.

American on the other hand gets to rid ourselves of Ohio and the problems that state keeps bringing us. No more will we have to spend four solid years listening to MSNBC’s Chuck Todd droning on and on and on about how Ohio is the “most important state in the electoral college” while ignoring the fact that Colorado, Nevada and Virginia are actually ahead of Ohio on the “tipping point states” list. That combined with eliminating John Kasich and John Boehner as political figures and getting rid of tOSU fans makes this the best deal we could ever make. Maybe even better than the Louisiana Purchase.

I know there will be people out there who think Canada should probably pay us for Ohio. Or maybe Canada should swap Vancouver or possibly Windsor for Ohio. I say absolutely not. Besides, people who want compensation for Ohio forget that Canada has already given us something we can’t put a price tag on …. Celine Dion!

Giving them Ohio as payment for Celine Dion is the least we can do.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS 

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Exes Are a Pain in the Butt

Cheers and Happy Tuesday to you all. I’m trying really hard to be happy on this Tuesday, but man…

Some of my exes are really gnawing at the edges of my patience these days.

Quasi Ex-wife or ex girlfriends from my past, you ask?

Nooooooooooooo.

I am talking about ex-smokers, ex-drinkers, and self proclaimed, ex-food addicts.  Oy Vey!!  They are such an incredibly loathsome and insufferable lot.

First up on the wheel of annoyance, ex-smokers.  Do I know that I shouldn’t smoke?  Yes.  Do I know it’s bad for me?  Yes.  Do I know it ultimately killed my dad and will me?  Yes.

Do I need to hear all that on a daily basis from ex-smoking friends and ex-smokers whom I barely know?

Oh hell no, and Jesus Smoking Christ…!!

Their non-laconic diatribes about the evils of smoking don’t make me want to quit; their anti-tobacco pontifications make we want to fire up a Newport Red 100 so I have something to do with my hands which prevents me from punching them in their jabbering jaws of self-righteousness!!

Some go wayyyyyyy overboard.  I have heard thie following more than once…

“We’d like to cook out more often during the summer, but our neighbor smokes in his backyard and we can smell it.  It just ruins everything.”

Hmmmmm…A guy.  In his own backyard.  With a slowly burning Philip Morris product hanging from his lip…is ruining your weekend joy of cooking a piece of steroid-riddled red meat as you inhale the scented, seasonal, and life preserving fumes of Kingsford Charcoal!!?  Enough!!

Next up on the kaleidoscope hate?  Ex-Drinkers…

Drinking leads to no good.  Alcohol is nothing more than empty calories and heartache.  Maybe if your life weren’t so empty, you wouldn’t drink.  Ever heard any of that from an ex-imbiber?  Oh Boy!!  I have, and here’s the thing…

The reason that they are all over you, the drinker?  It’s because their life is damn boring without alcohol that they have to fill the void with going all Carrie Nation on you and others who drink.

Just as I have to smoke a cigarette in order to keep from punching an ex-smoker, some ex-drinkers need to keep their mind off alcohol by crushing the beer kegs of your personal freedom of swallowing down some Sweet Lucy from time to time.  Sooooo Un-American!!

Lastly and of special timeliness…We have the Queen of the Food Addict Court, the weight-loss crowd, and anti-obesity army, none other than MSNBC Morning Joe Co-Host, Mika Brzezinski.

Mika Brzezinski has a new book out called, Obsessed, which she wrote with fellow and collegial anchorwoman, Diane Smith.

The book describes Mika’s journey of binging and purging in order to maintain an “acceptable” TV weight, and Diane’s trip down the path of perhaps losing jobs because she gained weight.

Well, Mika is now comfortable with her weight and in her skin, and eating healthy…and Diane has lost many pounds and feels healthy as well.

That’s very nice, and I applaud them both.  However…

Mika the ex-food addict, just like the ex-smoker and ex-drinker can’t stop by only saving herself.

She frequently rails against the fast-food industry, supports Mayor Bloomberg’s fascistic food legislation, and nearly everyday at some point, says something on Morning Joe that implies…

“I have been there and I know better than you, and what you are doing is wrong.  Unhealthy food should be banned by the government because we have no control over ourselves.”

And yet…

Mika Brzezinski’s theory of government oversight on these things is shot down by the fact that, according to her book, she changed her life on her own, well…along with a diet full of vodka and Ambien, and I guess Diane Smith hired a personal trainer, to which of course we all have access.

Unbelievable.

I am glad that all the exes of whatever variety out there are enjoying their new found redemption, but seriously?

I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, and while I was doing it, I never cursed or berated someone for eating a triple from Wendy’s.  I was usually thinking…

Man, only twenty more pounds to go, and then I am going to have TWO of those!!

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

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Weight Loss Surgery and Sneaking Into the Country

Hola y’all! Man, what a day! I tell you what guys, there are two things I’ll never do. Well, other than the obvious “follow a strange man into a dark alley” thing. I’ll only fall for that once. Anyway, I’m never gonna have weight loss surgery nor will I ever try to sneak into the country. Both of those things terrify me.

We had our good friend Dana Lu (who you can fine here, here, here and here) on IWS to tell us all about her Sleeve Gastrectomy (or Gastric Sleeve)
today and there’s really nothing about it that sounds like fun to me. Basically, they take up to 85% of your stomach and leave you with about a 4 oz stomach and a sleeve to connect it somewhere to the small intestine. They didn’t even let her keep the stomach that they cut out!!

Now, she’s going through the process of getting back on solid foods. She did the liquids only thing and is now only allowed pureed foods. And not a lot at a time either. Basically, a tiny bit of chicken, one broccoli and two lima beans tossed into a blender and mixed all up into a liquid and that’s dinner! Bon Appetite!

And you know the worst part? As if it could get worse than no more double cheeseburgers for life? How ‘bout NO MORE SOFT DRINKS OR BEER FOR LIFE??!! Yup, looks like I’m never doing anything as crazy as this. I don’t drink anything other than beer and Pepsi! Well okay, I have some 2% milk on my Frosted Flakes.

Seriously though, this weight loss surgery thing is no joke and my hats off to Dana for having the courage and determination to do it. She clearly made up her mind to totally commit herself to not just have the surgery but the lifestyle change necessary to make it work and seems to be off to a great start in a new, healthier chapter of her life.

Then, it was time for The Ice Man Louis to come on the show. You know what this crazy guy did? He walked across the desert and sneaked into the US! … TWICE!!!! IKNOWRITE??!

The first time their “guide” got them lost and he just wandered up the main road and waited for the Border Patrol to pick his ass up and take him back to Mexico. The second time he made it to Phoenix, but was basically held prisoner there until he could buy his freedom.

Eventually he made his way to Bagwine, Ohio, became a LEGAL resident and by next year will be an American Citizen.

Seriously y’all, we’re all a bunch of pussies compared to some people. I mean, I guess we’re all capable of doing what Dana and Louis have done to make their lives better, but not all of us are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do it. We had a great time with both Dana and Louis (and Louis’ wife Michelle who is a hoot!) today, but underneath the laughter and jocularity two really great stories were told on IWS today.

We have done 231 shows on I’m With Stupid, and while I’ve loved every second of doing each and every one of them, Losing it with Dana (and Louis) is, if not my absolute favorite and best show we’ve ever done, it’s at least in the top three. I highly recommend you check it out.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

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